Star Signs
Oct. 21st, 2010 07:02 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
elfinblazeI've wanted to type these up for weeks because these are the best star-sign predictions I've ever come across.
These are from 3D World, Tuesday 19th October. It's a free weekly music magazine, like Drum Media and The Brag, the other two competing free weekly magazines on alternative/indie music in Sydney. This week's star signs made me laugh out loud in public. Again.
General Outlook
Take a good look at yourself in the mirror. Is it one of those bendy, distorted mirrors? Or do you really look like Eric Stoltz in Mask?
Aquarius
Don't go around accusing people of being vampires. It makes you seem irrelevant and somewhat immature.
Pisces
Grand Final Fever will hit you this week, which is unusually late. Time off work is probably unlikely.
Aries
Predictions are like weather forecasts. People are usually wrapping fish in them the next day. Am I right?
Taurus
Disturbing e-mails will begin arriving from beyond the grave. By the way, what's your email address again?
Gemini
Your behaviour in the dry cleaners last week was utterly inappropriate. You can't show your face there again.
Cancer
When a neighbour's dog comes in to your yard and eats your gnome, are you legaly allowed to taser your neighbour's gnome?
Leo
A childhood friend will get out of prison this week, move in to your house and set your car on fire.
Virgo
'Serial Killer Sunday' is not a religious holiday, but you seem to think it is. Consider getting your cable TV cut off.
Libra
You have a choice to make this week: eat food directly out of a bin, or just wait and have dinner at home?
Scorpio
You will finally conquer your impotence, by achieving an erection so alarmingly huge it attracts the world's media.
Sagitarius
It might just be your overactive imagination, but you think your neighbour is killing old people. Call the cops on him.
Capricorn
A bird's nest outside your bedroom window will show you the wonder of life. Until some local kids throw rocks at it and kill the birds.
But... but... there really are that many bloodsucking bastards out there! Calling them vampires is just polite! Bloodsucking bastards would be rude![1] And "lawyers" would be misleading!
[1] Henry Fitzroy doesn't count, since while he's both a vampire and a bastard in the traditional sense, he's not a laywer.
These are from 3D World, Tuesday 19th October. It's a free weekly music magazine, like Drum Media and The Brag, the other two competing free weekly magazines on alternative/indie music in Sydney. This week's star signs made me laugh out loud in public. Again.
General Outlook
Take a good look at yourself in the mirror. Is it one of those bendy, distorted mirrors? Or do you really look like Eric Stoltz in Mask?
Aquarius
Don't go around accusing people of being vampires. It makes you seem irrelevant and somewhat immature.
Pisces
Grand Final Fever will hit you this week, which is unusually late. Time off work is probably unlikely.
Aries
Predictions are like weather forecasts. People are usually wrapping fish in them the next day. Am I right?
Taurus
Disturbing e-mails will begin arriving from beyond the grave. By the way, what's your email address again?
Gemini
Your behaviour in the dry cleaners last week was utterly inappropriate. You can't show your face there again.
Cancer
When a neighbour's dog comes in to your yard and eats your gnome, are you legaly allowed to taser your neighbour's gnome?
Leo
A childhood friend will get out of prison this week, move in to your house and set your car on fire.
Virgo
'Serial Killer Sunday' is not a religious holiday, but you seem to think it is. Consider getting your cable TV cut off.
Libra
You have a choice to make this week: eat food directly out of a bin, or just wait and have dinner at home?
Scorpio
You will finally conquer your impotence, by achieving an erection so alarmingly huge it attracts the world's media.
Sagitarius
It might just be your overactive imagination, but you think your neighbour is killing old people. Call the cops on him.
Capricorn
A bird's nest outside your bedroom window will show you the wonder of life. Until some local kids throw rocks at it and kill the birds.
But... but... there really are that many bloodsucking bastards out there! Calling them vampires is just polite! Bloodsucking bastards would be rude![1] And "lawyers" would be misleading!
[1] Henry Fitzroy doesn't count, since while he's both a vampire and a bastard in the traditional sense, he's not a laywer.
